maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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