he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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