So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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