Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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