someone threw a dead crab at me
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
