Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
