with your own penis?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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