shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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