So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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