So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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