Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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