did you get engaged???
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
