see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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