I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just want nice things and good sex
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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