he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
