remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just threw up on my dentist
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
