Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
