Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
