ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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