he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
