I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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