My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
