I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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