peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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