Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
