He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
