If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I will be naked everywhere
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
