This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
