so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
