i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
