the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she peed on how many people?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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