my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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