My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
