Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
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