I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize