I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
