i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
