Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
