I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
