The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My nipple is on Facebook.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
