Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize