What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
