no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
