so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
