Have you finally orgasmed yet?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Randomize
