??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
