My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
