sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
