Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
