right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
