i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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