I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am one with the molecules
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
