Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
